Author: laura miano

 

Modern life moves fast. Between work, social media, and constant responsibilities, many of us spend our days rushing from one thing to the next. Over time, this constant pace can leave us feeling disconnected from our bodies, often numb or simply “switched off.” When we lose touch with physical sensation, we also lose touch with pleasure and desire. The good news is that slowing down is something we can all practice. Understanding how it supports arousal and pleasure can help you rebuild a connection with your body and create the right conditions for intimacy to grow.   Why Slowing Down Works When we live in a constant state of busyness, our nervous system stays switched on in what’s known as the “fight or flight” state. The body doesn’t distinguish between real danger and everyday stress, so even something as small as running late to a meeting can trigger the same response as a physical threat. This heightened alertness makes it hard to access pleasure. For arousal to occur, the body and mind both need to feel calm and safe. Slowing down helps us shift into the “rest and digest” state, where relaxation comes more easily and sensations are easier to notice. This physiological calm creates the foundation for deeper feeling and stronger sensation during intimacy. When we give ourselves time to slow down, we allow the body to open to touch and erotic experiences in a way that speed and stress never can.   From Awareness to Arousal Slowing down builds body awareness, which creates nervous system safety, expands sensory capacity, and supports arousal and pleasure. In Sex Therapy, slowing down is about retraining the body to recognise pleasure again. When we approach touch without any goal and simply notice what we feel, the nervous system learns that touch is safe. Over time, this process increases our ability to sense and enjoy pleasure. When the body feels grounded and calm, it becomes more responsive to intimacy and connection.

How Slowing Down Leads to More Pleasure Slowing down helps shift focus from performance-based or goal-driven sex to a more embodied experience. When we stop trying to reach a particular outcome, we make space for subtle sensations that are often overlooked. This gentle attention to the body supports emotional and physical connection, making pleasure easier to access. The more we practise slowing down, the easier it becomes to feel aroused and connected. If you’re unsure where to begin, here are five simple ways to start slowing down and reconnecting with your body.   Five Ways to Start Slowing Down 1. Take short pauses Throughout the day, stop for a moment to notice your breath, posture, or the sensations in your body. These small pauses build awareness and presence.   2. Notice neutral sensations Pay attention to the texture of your clothing, air on your skin, or the rhythm of your breathing without trying to make it sexual. This helps rebuild connection with your body.   3. Soften stimulation Dim the lights, lower background noise, and reduce screen time. Creating quiet space helps your nervous system unwind.   4. Try the guided audio practice Miano Clinical Sexology offers a free 15-minute Broader Body Touch (sensate-focus) guided audio practice designed to help you slow down, explore gentle touch, and rebuild a sense of safety and connection with your body. You can find it on our website here.   5. Repeat regularly Consistency matters. Over time, these small moments of slowing down retrain your body to associate calm with pleasure.

 

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Try our free Sensuality Exercise to help you slow down:

 

Recommended Reading

Interoception and Regulation by Emma Goodall and Charlotte Brownlow (2022)

 

 

 

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In long-term relationships, sexual desire doesn’t always stay consistent and more often than not people will experience dips and changes over time. Many partners find themselves facing mismatched desire, low sexual desire, sexual pain, or challenges with sexual confidence and anxiety. According to The European Society of Sexual Medicine, “issues regarding sexual desire are among the most commonly reported complaints among couples.” At the beginning of a relationship, it’s easier to be more intimate which may include flirting, dating, teasing, and anticipation. But over time, routines and responsibilities take over. Living together can make sex feel predictable, less spontaneous, and harder to access. This shift can create a “zero to 100” dynamic: intimacy is expected to leap straight into sex. Even those small flirty gestures can feel like pressure, leaving one partner anxious that sex is expected and the other discouraged from initiating a flirtatious moment. The guilt and awkwardness that follow make it harder to connect playfully.

Flirting and small moments of connection are pleasure in themselves. When we let those fade, our “desire cup” runs empty. If we only expect desire to appear during one sexual encounter, the pressure can build and intimacy starts to feel like a performance. But when we weave in playfulness, affection, and flirting into our everyday, desire can start to build gradually again. The focus then becomes on pleasure in the small moments of connection to fill your cup of sexual desire. A Resource to Get You Started To support you and your partner, Miano Clinical Sexology has collated a guide with 20 ways to build sexual desire with your partner. A reminder that none of these need to lead to sex.

 

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1. Be playful together ( dance, laugh and be silly together) Enjoy playful moments that bring joy and pleasure into your day-to-day interactions. This makes it easier to slip from non-sexual to sexual moments too.   2. Leave love notes around the house Give your partner moments of appreciation by leaving thoughtful notes around the house for them to find. This shows you are thinking of them and making an effort to bring joy to their day.   3. Shower together This doesn’t need to be sexual, or it can be. Simply being naked together, washing each other, laughing and/or kissing, can be a great way to take a break from your usual routine and connect.   4. Sleep naked together Get naked, get into bed, and simply spoon each other to sleep. It can be a nice moment you share that communicates you are both comfortable with erotic closeness without it bringing up pressure for sex (unless you feel you want it of course).   5. Give compliments (physical, emotional, mental) Desiring your partner for sex starts with feeling desired, and not just feeling sexually desired by them, but feeling desired entirely as who you are – your emotions, choices, values, efforts and more. Exchange compliments to communicate that you desire them wholly.   6. Show appreciation (e.g. “thank you for doing…”) This ties into the previous point. When your partner takes time to do things for you or your relationship, use it as an opportunity to communicate your appreciation for their efforts. This creates a nice cycle that feeds into itself – they feel appreciated, therefore they keep devoting effort to the relationship.   7. Share a candlelit dinner at home (TV off, music on) What makes the stages of early dating so arousing, isn’t just the limerence period i.e. the chemical changes in your brain that make you more excited to be with them, it’s also the romantic things you do with them and the effort you put in. Bringing romance to your everyday life, shows you are making an effort for your relationship, because it is worth effort.   8. Explore intimacy questions together (resource on website) We compiled 50 erotic and 50 general-romance questions to help you and your partner form a deeper connection. When you and your partner get to know each other more, it communicates that you desire them in all ways – sexually, emotionally, intellectually and romantically. This helps to build a more meaningful sexual relationship with them. You can view the questions here: 50 Erotic Questions for Sexual Intimacy 50 Romantic Questions for Relationship Intimacy    9. Go out just for a glass of wine or tea It may be hard to make time for a lavish dinner date or perhaps finances don’t allow for this. However, a nice glass of wine or tea can be a great substitute. It gives you both a chance to get dressed up, leave the house and have quality time together without phones or other distractions.   10. Stroke each other’s skin while lying in bed It’s the end of a long day, you don’t feel like sex, but connecting would be a lovely way to wind down. Don’t let your lack of desire for sex hold you back! Having skin-on-skin contact is a fantastic way to bond, and regardless, these moments help to prime you for sex, even if they happen days or weeks later.

11. Read to each other in bed Reading in bed can be a great way to connect – especially in the environment where sex is likely to happen. Slowing down and reading together can help to put you both in a relaxed mindset, paving the way for sex.   12. Make an effort to resolve unresolved issues Unresolved conflicts in relationships are a leading cause of sexual concerns, especially low desire. When matters go unaddressed, the couple’s connection is fractured which can lead to a reduced desire to be intimate. Make checking in a priority rather than ‘sweeping issues under the rug’. Get started by asking your partner “How are you feeling about our relationship?”.   13. Get dressed up for each other (even at home) While it might feel easy to slip into pure comfort around your partner, it can be helpful to keep some formalities alive, by putting more effort into your appearance – even at home. Imagine you are newly dating, how would you present yourself differently? Think perfume/cologne, lingerie, nice outfits, hair done. You can also include acting less ‘comfortable’ in there i.e. stop burping and passing wind in front of your partner!   14. Replace pecks with the Gottman 6-second kiss The Gottman Institute recommend replacing a ‘peck’ with a 6 second kiss. This adds a little more intimacy to those otherwise fleeting moments and is long enough to help you tune out the world and tune into the kiss.   15. Surprise your partner with a thoughtful gesture Whether it’s a gift, a sticky note or an act of service, surprising your partner with a nice gesture of appreciation, can show them that you care about them and are committed to keeping the romance alive.   16. Hold eye contact longer than usual Eye contact is a proven way to boost connection, trust, intimacy and attraction. During sex, it can help to intensify intimacy and pleasure, and during a conversation it shows your partner that you are listening and care about what they have to say.   17. Increase subtle touches (hand on leg, lower back) Physical touch releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. When you touch your partner in affectionate ways it can be a form of expressing love.   18. Playful teasing, light banter, or sexual innuendo Flirting comes in many forms, one being flirty and suggestive banter. If you feel you’ve lost this element in your relationship, think back to how you had it previously. These interactions can create light-heartedness and playfulness around your sex life.   19. Sexting, pause before intimacy, or give a massage Sexting creates the perfect environment for mental foreplay – you are talking about what you want to do with each other, but don’t have the access to act it out. Whether it’s a sexy photo of yourself or a flirty text message, surprise your partner with a cheeky message so they feel your attraction to them.   20. Cook dinner together Make a night of cooking dinner with your partner. Put some music on, buy a nice bottle of wine and enjoy the process of making something with them.

 

 

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Why Building Desire Matters

Building desire isn’t about elaborate plans or always being “in the mood.” It’s about creating consistent opportunities for intimacy, attention, and play. Small actions fill the “desire cup” over time so that intimacy feels more natural, more fun, and less pressured.

These suggestions are not about quick fixes. They’re about making desire something you nurture and explore together, something you both play a role in cultivating. Over time, you’ll likely notice less stress around intimacy and more freedom to enjoy one another.

 

 

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Building intimacy starts with a connection and in order to connect, it’s important to understand.

To build sexual intimacy in your relationship and support meaningful connection, MCS has compiled 50 erotic questions to exchange with your partner. Building on our 50 Questions for Intimacy  the questions in this article are more erotically charged. You can expect to learn about your partner’s sexual mind, and have them learn about yours. Each group of questions is separated across five levels of depth and may bring up a range of emotions, therefore we suggest being sensitive to each other’s boundaries. Don’t feel pressure to answer every question or share your reasons for passing, and give your partner the opportunity to do the same.

Once you are ready to begin, we suggest blocking out distractions and making your space feel intimate, whether that be mood lighting, soft music, comfortable clothes, or a calming drink.

Enjoy.

 

 

1. What messages did you receive about sex growing up? Was it something to be ashamed of embraced?

2. Do you remember the first time you felt turned on? What was that experience like for you? (e.g. exciting, scary, intriguing, confusing, shameful, neutral)

3. What were your early partnered sexual experiences like?

4. How have you grown as a sexual partner over time? How would you like to continue growing?

5. In what ways does connecting to your gender make you feel sexy or empowered? 

6. Is there an outfit I wear that you find especially sexy? What turns you on about it? 

7. What is your favourite part of my body, and why?

8. What helps you stay present and enjoy touch during intimacy? (e.g. a tidy room, music, mood lighting, mindfulness activities)

9. What’s a simple pleasure that makes you feel good in your own body?

10. Do you consider outercourse as sex? (e.g. oral, fingering, handjobs etc.)

 

 

 

1. What were your earliest experiences with masturbating like?

2. If you’ve experienced one, what was your first orgasm like?

3. How does emotional connection change your experience of sex?

4. Do you tend to crave sex when you’re stressed, or not at all? What do you like or dislike about that desire?

5. Do you ever feel pressure to perform during sex? In what ways? (e.g. being enthusiastic, pressure to have an erection or orgasm)

6. How can I support you if you’re finding it hard to be present during sex?

7. Can you remember a time when we were the most playful during sex? What made it fun?

8. How does eye contact during penetrative sex make you feel? 

9. What’s your experience with eye contact during oral sex – giving and receiving?

10. Can you imagine our sex life changing over time? What might it look like?

 

 

1. What is your favourite sexual memory of ours? What made it special?

2. Are there any challenges you’ve had in past sexual relationships that you haven’t experienced with me? Why do you think this is?

3. How do you experience climax – physically, mentally, emotionally?

4. What kind of interactions get you in the mood before sex starts? Why? (e.g. date nights, laughter, feeling supported, sharing vulnerabilities)

5. What kind of touch turns you on at the start of sex? (e.g. long kisses, sensual massages)

6. What are some turn-offs that make you feel disconnected from sex?

7. What’s something I do during sex that really turns you on and why?

8. What are your favourite sex positions?

9. Do your sexual preferences change depending on your mood or situation? Can you give an example?

10. What has been your favourite way that I’ve initiated sex and why?

 

 

 

1.Where do you enjoy being touched most, and how? 

2. How do you usually masturbate?

3. When you masturbate, what do you tend to think or fantasise about near orgasm?

4. When you fantasise about me, what do you think about – what kinds of images or fantasies come to mind?

5. Are there any specific noises or words you find arousing during sex?

6. What do you find especially sexy or beautiful about my body, including my genitals?

7. How can you tell when I’m really turned on?

8. What is something you were once unsure about but now you enjoy sexually?

9. Are there any toys you would like to explore with me?

10. Has any part of your sexuality ever brought up shame, fear, or confusion?

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1. In what ways do you enjoy being dominant or submissive during sex?

2. What’s something ‘unexpected’ or unconventional that you find sexy?

3. Is there anything that you would like to explore that might be considered kinky?

4. Is there any part of our sex life you would like to strengthen or explore more deeply?

5. What is something I do during sex that usually makes you orgasm?

6. If at all, what kind of physical touch to non-genital areas feels best when you’re orgasming and how do you like to be touched there?

7. Is there anything about sex that brings up anxiety for you? Why do you think that is?

8. Do you experience stress or pressure around any part of your sexual functioning? If so, how can I best support? (e.g. pain during sex, desire challenges, lack of arousal, orgasm struggles)

9. Have you ever had a fantasy that felt confronting or surprising to you?

10. Is there something you’ve never told me that you’d like to try sexually?

How Sex Therapy Can Help

 

If you have experienced sexual trauma or struggle with sexual concerns, you may wish to seek support from a sex therapist. The questions above are designed to foster connection and supplement sex therapy, not to stand in its place.

Sex therapy can help to identify factors that might be holding you back from being intimate with your partner or connecting to your sexuality generally. It is a completely individualised approach that is uniquely tailored to each partner and relationship.

To learn more about sex therapy at Miano Clinical Sexology, enquire here.

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These questions were created in collaboration between Sexologist Laura Miano and Sexologist Hazel Gilman.

Hazel Gillman completed an internship at Miano Clinical Sexology. She is a Melbourne-based sexologist, and is passionate about improving inclusivity and accessibility to sexual wellbeing, especially in relation to neurodiversity, disability and sexuality across the lifespan. 

 

 

 

 

 

Building intimacy starts with a connection and in order to connect, it’s important to understand.

To build intimacy in your relationship and support meaningful connection, MCS has compiled 50 questions to exchange with your partner. Each group of questions is separated across five levels of depth and may bring up a range of emotions, therefore we suggest being sensitive to each other’s boundaries. Don’t feel pressure to answer every question or share your reasons for passing, and give your partner the opportunity to do the same.

Once you are ready to begin, we suggest blocking out distractions and making your space feel intimate, whether that be mood lighting, soft music, comfortable clothes, or a calming drink. Once you complete this exercise, we suggest moving onto our 50 Erotic Questions for Building Sexual Intimacy.

 

 

1. What does your perfect day look like?

2. If you had the option to not work, how would you spend your days?

3. Would you like to be famous? If so, for what reason?

4. What qualities of mine were you first attracted to?

5. What songs do you associate with our relationship and why?

6. What does intimacy look and feel like to you?

7. What makes you feel loved and appreciated?

8. What brings you joy?

9. What is something you like about yourself that our relationship brings out?

10. What is your favourite memory of us?

 

 

 

1. Out of the five senses, which is the most sensual to you and why?

2. How do you like to give and receive love? Do you think this is compatible with how I give / receive love?

3. Do you think our job schedules affect our relationship? If so, how would you change them to better our relationship?

4. When have you felt most intimate during our relationship and why? 

5. When have you felt most proud of me?

6. When have you felt most proud of yourself during our relationship?

7. What is the sexiest thing about me?

8. What do you think is the sexiest thing about yourself and when do you feel this way?

9. What makes our relationship strong and why?

10. What memory of us makes you laugh?

 

 

 

1. What small things make you feel loved and/or supported by me? (e.g. putting your toothbrush on charge, packing you a lunch)

2. What is something that you’re afraid to accomplish? How can I support you with this?

3. If we met five/ten years prior to the start of our relationship and we were both single, do you think we would have gotten into a relationship earlier?

4. What helped to get you through a hard time in your life?

5. What would your younger self think about our relationship?

6. If you could watch back one moment we have shared, which would you choose?

7. How and when do you like to be touched outside of sexual intimacy? 

8. When have I made you happiest?

9. Ideally, how would you like me to support you better?

10. What do you think is the best way to confront a problem within a relationship? Do you think we do this well?

 

 

 

1. What taught you how to be in a relationship and show love?

2. Do you ever feel uncomfortable being emotional in front of me? If so, why?

3. Are you content with the level of non-sexual intimacy in our relationship?

4. What are your most important values?

5. What differences make us compatible? Why do you think this is?

6. What do you hope that I achieve in life?

7. Do you feel like I understand and listen to you? Why?

8. When have you felt most listened to and/or understood by me? Why was this?

9. Is there anything you would change about your childhood? If so, what is it and why?

10. Do you have any regrets in life? If so, what are they?

 

 

 

1. Ideally, what does independence in a relationship look like to you?

2. How could I make your life easier?

3. What boundaries are important to you in a relationship? Why?

4. Do you experience a fear of failure anywhere in your life? How do you try to quieten that thought?

5. Is there anything you would like to change about our relationship?

6. When does our relationship give you vitality? How?

7. What are your biggest weaknesses out of our relationship? How would you like me/ our relationship to support this?

8. What are your hopes / dreams for our relationship?

9. How do you envision your life to be in five and ten years?

10. Is there something you’ve wanted to ask me but haven’t? If so, do you feel comfortable asking now? 

 

How Sex Therapy Can Help

 

If you have experienced sexual trauma or struggle with sexual concerns, you may wish to seek support from a sex therapist. The questions above are designed to foster connection and supplement sex therapy, not to stand in its place.

Sex therapy can help to identify factors that might be holding you back from being intimate with your partner or connecting to your sexuality generally. It is a completely individualised approach that is uniquely tailored to each partner and relationship.

To learn more about sex therapy at Miano Clinical Sexology, enquire here.

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These questions were created in collaboration between Sexologist Laura Miano, Sexologist Hazel Gilman, and MCS Practice Co-ordinator, Sarah Dowse.

Hazel Gillman completed an internship at Miano Clinical Sexology. She is a Melbourne-based sexologist, and is passionate about improving inclusivity and accessibility to sexual wellbeing, especially in relation to neurodiversity, disability and sexuality across the lifespan.