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In long-term relationships, sexual desire doesn’t always stay consistent and more often than not people will experience dips and changes over time. Many partners find themselves facing mismatched desire, low sexual desire, sexual pain, or challenges with sexual confidence and anxiety. According to The European Society of Sexual Medicine, “issues regarding sexual desire are among the most commonly reported complaints among couples.”

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s easier to be more intimate which may include flirting, dating, teasing, and anticipation. But over time, routines and responsibilities take over. Living together can make sex feel predictable, less spontaneous, and harder to access.

This shift can create a “zero to 100” dynamic: intimacy is expected to leap straight into sex. Even those small flirty gestures can feel like pressure, leaving one partner anxious that sex is expected and the other discouraged from initiating a flirtatious moment. The guilt and awkwardness that follow make it harder to connect playfully.

 Flirting and small moments of connection are pleasure in themselves. When we let those fade, our “desire cup” runs empty. If we only expect desire to appear during one sexual encounter, the pressure can build and intimacy starts to feel like a performance. But when we weave in playfulness, affection, and flirting into our everyday, desire can start to build gradually again. The focus then becomes on pleasure in the small moments of connection to fill your cup of sexual desire.

A Resource to Get You Started

To support you and your partner, Miano Clinical Sexology has collated a guide with 20 ways to build sexual desire with your partner. A reminder that none of these need to lead to sex.

 

 

1. Be playful together ( dance, laugh and be silly together)

Enjoy playful moments that bring joy and pleasure into your day-to-day interactions. This makes it easier to slip from non-sexual to sexual moments too.

 

2. Leave love notes around the house

Give your partner moments of appreciation by leaving thoughtful notes around the house for them to find. This shows you are thinking of them and making an effort to bring joy to their day.

 

3. Shower together

This doesn’t need to be sexual, or it can be. Simply being naked together, washing each other, laughing and/or kissing, can be a great way to take a break from your usual routine and connect.

 

4. Sleep naked together

Get naked, get into bed, and simply spoon each other to sleep. It can be a nice moment you share that communicates you are both comfortable with erotic closeness without it bringing up pressure for sex (unless you feel you want it of course).

 

5. Give compliments (physical, emotional, mental)

Desiring your partner for sex starts with feeling desired, and not just feeling sexually desired by them, but feeling desired entirely as who you are – your emotions, choices, values, efforts and more. Exchange compliments to communicate that you desire them wholly.

 

6. Show appreciation (e.g. “thank you for doing…”)

This ties into the previous point. When your partner takes time to do things for you or your relationship, use it as an opportunity to communicate your appreciation for their efforts. This creates a nice cycle that feeds into itself – they feel appreciated, therefore they keep devoting effort to the relationship.

 

7. Share a candlelit dinner at home (TV off, music on)

What makes the stages of early dating so arousing, isn’t just the limerence period i.e. the chemical changes in your brain that make you more excited to be with them, it’s also the romantic things you do with them and the effort you put in. Bringing romance to your everyday life, shows you are making an effort for your relationship, because it is worth effort.

 

8. Explore intimacy questions together (resource on website)

We compiled 50 erotic and 50 general-romance questions to help you and your partner form a deeper connection. When you and your partner get to know each other more, it communicates that you desire them in all ways – sexually, emotionally, intellectually and romantically. This helps to build a more meaningful sexual relationship with them. You can view the questions here:

 

9. Go out just for a glass of wine or tea

It may be hard to make time for a lavish dinner date or perhaps finances don’t allow for this. However, a nice glass of wine or tea can be a great substitute. It gives you both a chance to get dressed up, leave the house and have quality time together without phones or other distractions.

 

10. Stroke each other’s skin while lying in bed

It’s the end of a long day, you don’t feel like sex, but connecting would be a lovely way to wind down. Don’t let your lack of desire for sex hold you back! Having skin-on-skin contact is a fantastic way to bond, and regardless, these moments help to prime you for sex, even if they happen days or weeks later.

11. Read to each other in bed

Reading in bed can be a great way to connect – especially in the environment where sex is likely to happen. Slowing down and reading together can help to put you both in a relaxed mindset, paving the way for sex.

 

12. Make an effort to resolve unresolved issues

Unresolved conflicts in relationships are a leading cause of sexual concerns, especially low desire. When matters go unaddressed, the couple’s connection is fractured which can lead to a reduced desire to be intimate. Make checking in a priority rather than ‘sweeping issues under the rug’. Get started by asking your partner “How are you feeling about our relationship?”.

 

13. Get dressed up for each other (even at home)

While it might feel easy to slip into pure comfort around your partner, it can be helpful to keep some formalities alive, by putting more effort into your appearance – even at home.

Imagine you are newly dating, how would you present yourself differently? Think perfume/cologne, lingerie, nice outfits, hair done. You can also include acting less ‘comfortable’ in there i.e. stop burping and passing wind in front of your partner!

 

14. Replace pecks with the Gottman 6-second kiss

The Gottman Institute recommend replacing a ‘peck’ with a 6 second kiss. This adds a little more intimacy to those otherwise fleeting moments and is long enough to help you tune out the world and tune into the kiss.

 

15. Surprise your partner with a thoughtful gesture

Whether it’s a gift, a sticky note or an act of service, surprising your partner with a nice gesture of appreciation, can show them that you care about them and are committed to keeping the romance alive.

 

16. Hold eye contact longer than usual

Eye contact is a proven way to boost connection, trust, intimacy and attraction. During sex, it can help to intensify intimacy and pleasure, and during a conversation it shows your partner that you are listening and care about what they have to say.

 

17. Increase subtle touches (hand on leg, lower back)

Physical touch releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. When you touch your partner in affectionate ways it can be a form of expressing love.

 

18. Playful teasing, light banter, or sexual innuendo

Flirting comes in many forms, one being flirty and suggestive banter. If you feel you’ve lost this element in your relationship, think back to how you had it previously. These interactions can create light-heartedness and playfulness around your sex life.

 

19. Sexting, pause before intimacy, or give a massage

Sexting creates the perfect environment for mental foreplay – you are talking about what you want to do with each other, but don’t have the access to act it out. Whether it’s a sexy photo of yourself or a flirty text message, surprise your partner with a cheeky message so they feel your attraction to them.

 

20. Cook dinner together

Make a night of cooking dinner with your partner. Put some music on, buy a nice bottle of wine and enjoy the process of making something with them.

 

 

Why Building Desire Matters

Building desire isn’t about elaborate plans or always being “in the mood.” It’s about creating consistent opportunities for intimacy, attention, and play. Small actions fill the “desire cup” over time so that intimacy feels more natural, more fun, and less pressured.

These suggestions are not about quick fixes. They’re about making desire something you nurture and explore together, something you both play a role in cultivating. Over time, you’ll likely notice less stress around intimacy and more freedom to enjoy one another.

 

 

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