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Modern life moves fast. Between work, social media, and constant responsibilities, many of us spend our days rushing from one thing to the next. Over time, this constant pace can leave us feeling disconnected from our bodies, often numb or simply “switched off.” When we lose touch with physical sensation, we also lose touch with pleasure and desire.

The good news is that slowing down is something we can all practice. Understanding how it supports arousal and pleasure can help you rebuild a connection with your body and create the right conditions for intimacy to grow.

Why Slowing Down Works

When we live in a constant state of busyness, our nervous system stays switched on in what’s known as the “fight or flight” state. The body doesn’t distinguish between real danger and everyday stress, so even something as small as running late to a meeting can trigger the same response as a physical threat.

This heightened alertness makes it hard to access pleasure. For arousal to occur, the body and mind both need to feel calm and safe. Slowing down helps us shift into the “rest and digest” state, where relaxation comes more easily and sensations are easier to notice. This physiological calm creates the foundation for deeper feeling and stronger sensation during intimacy.

When we give ourselves time to slow down, we allow the body to open to touch and erotic experiences in a way that speed and stress never can.

From Awareness to Arousal

Slowing down builds body awareness, which creates nervous system safety, expands sensory capacity, and supports arousal and pleasure.

In Sex Therapy, slowing down is about retraining the body to recognise pleasure again. When we approach touch without any goal and simply notice what we feel, the nervous system learns that touch is safe. Over time, this process increases our ability to sense and enjoy pleasure. When the body feels grounded and calm, it becomes more responsive to intimacy and connection.

How Slowing Down Leads to More Pleasure

Slowing down helps shift focus from performance-based or goal-driven sex to a more embodied experience. When we stop trying to reach a particular outcome, we make space for subtle sensations that are often overlooked.

This gentle attention to the body supports emotional and physical connection, making pleasure easier to access. The more we practise slowing down, the easier it becomes to feel aroused and connected.

If you’re unsure where to begin, here are five simple ways to start slowing down and reconnecting with your body.

Five Ways to Start Slowing Down

1. Take short pauses
Throughout the day, stop for a moment to notice your breath, posture, or the sensations in your body. These small pauses build awareness and presence.

2. Notice neutral sensations
Pay attention to the texture of your clothing, air on your skin, or the rhythm of your breathing without trying to make it sexual. This helps rebuild connection with your body.

3. Soften stimulation
Dim the lights, lower background noise, and reduce screen time. Creating quiet space helps your nervous system unwind.

4. Try the guided audio practice
Miano Clinical Sexology offers a free 15-minute Broader Body Touch (sensate-focus) guided audio practice designed to help you slow down, explore gentle touch, and rebuild a sense of safety and connection with your body. You can find it on our website here.

5. Repeat regularly
Consistency matters. Over time, these small moments of slowing down retrain your body to associate calm with pleasure.

In long-term relationships, sexual desire doesn’t always stay consistent and more often than not people will experience dips and changes over time. Many partners find themselves facing mismatched desire, low sexual desire, sexual pain, or challenges with sexual confidence and anxiety. According to The European Society of Sexual Medicine, “issues regarding sexual desire are among the most commonly reported complaints among couples.”

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s easier to be more intimate which may include flirting, dating, teasing, and anticipation. But over time, routines and responsibilities take over. Living together can make sex feel predictable, less spontaneous, and harder to access.

This shift can create a “zero to 100” dynamic: intimacy is expected to leap straight into sex. Even those small flirty gestures can feel like pressure, leaving one partner anxious that sex is expected and the other discouraged from initiating a flirtatious moment. The guilt and awkwardness that follow make it harder to connect playfully.

A Resource to Get You Started

To support you and your partner, Miano Clinical Sexology has collated a guide with 20 ways to build sexual desire with your partner. A reminder that none of these need to lead to sex.

1. Be playful together ( dance, laugh and be silly together)

Enjoy playful moments that bring joy and pleasure into your day-to-day interactions. This makes it easier to slip from non-sexual to sexual moments too.

2. Leave love notes around the house

Give your partner moments of appreciation by leaving thoughtful notes around the house for them to find. This shows you are thinking of them and making an effort to bring joy to their day.

3. Shower together

This doesn’t need to be sexual, or it can be. Simply being naked together, washing each other, laughing and/or kissing, can be a great way to take a break from your usual routine and connect.

4. Sleep naked together

Get naked, get into bed, and simply spoon each other to sleep. It can be a nice moment you share that communicates you are both comfortable with erotic closeness without it bringing up pressure for sex (unless you feel you want it of course).

5. Give compliments (physical, emotional, mental)

Desiring your partner for sex starts with feeling desired, and not just feeling sexually desired by them, but feeling desired entirely as who you are – your emotions, choices, values, efforts and more. Exchange compliments to communicate that you desire them wholly.

6. Show appreciation (e.g. “thank you for doing…”)

This ties into the previous point. When your partner takes time to do things for you or your relationship, use it as an opportunity to communicate your appreciation for their efforts. This creates a nice cycle that feeds into itself – they feel appreciated, therefore they keep devoting effort to the relationship.

7. Share a candlelit dinner at home (TV off, music on)

What makes the stages of early dating so arousing, isn’t just the limerence period i.e. the chemical changes in your brain that make you more excited to be with them, it’s also the romantic things you do with them and the effort you put in. Bringing romance to your everyday life, shows you are making an effort for your relationship, because it is worth effort.

8. Explore intimacy questions together (resource on website)

We compiled 50 erotic and 50 general-romance questions to help you and your partner form a deeper connection. When you and your partner get to know each other more, it communicates that you desire them in all ways – sexually, emotionally, intellectually and romantically. This helps to build a more meaningful sexual relationship with them. You can view the questions here:

• 50 Erotic Questions for Sexual Intimacy
• 50 Romantic Questions for Relationship Intimacy 

9. Go out just for a glass of wine or tea

It may be hard to make time for a lavish dinner date or perhaps finances don’t allow for this. However, a nice glass of wine or tea can be a great substitute. It gives you both a chance to get dressed up, leave the house and have quality time together without phones or other distractions.

10. Stroke each other’s skin while lying in bed

It’s the end of a long day, you don’t feel like sex, but connecting would be a lovely way to wind down. Don’t let your lack of desire for sex hold you back! Having skin-on-skin contact is a fantastic way to bond, and regardless, these moments help to prime you for sex, even if they happen days or weeks later.

11. Read to each other in bed

Reading in bed can be a great way to connect – especially in the environment where sex is likely to happen. Slowing down and reading together can help to put you both in a relaxed mindset, paving the way for sex.

12. Make an effort to resolve unresolved issues

Unresolved conflicts in relationships are a leading cause of sexual concerns, especially low desire. When matters go unaddressed, the couple’s connection is fractured which can lead to a reduced desire to be intimate. Make checking in a priority rather than ‘sweeping issues under the rug’. Get started by asking your partner “How are you feeling about our relationship?”.

13. Get dressed up for each other (even at home)

While it might feel easy to slip into pure comfort around your partner, it can be helpful to keep some formalities alive, by putting more effort into your appearance – even at home.

Imagine you are newly dating, how would you present yourself differently? Think perfume/cologne, lingerie, nice outfits, hair done. You can also include acting less ‘comfortable’ in there i.e. stop burping and passing wind in front of your partner!

14. Replace pecks with the Gottman 6-second kiss

The Gottman Institute recommend replacing a ‘peck’ with a 6 second kiss. This adds a little more intimacy to those otherwise fleeting moments and is long enough to help you tune out the world and tune into the kiss.

15. Surprise your partner with a thoughtful gesture

Whether it’s a gift, a sticky note or an act of service, surprising your partner with a nice gesture of appreciation, can show them that you care about them and are committed to keeping the romance alive.

16. Hold eye contact longer than usual

Eye contact is a proven way to boost connection, trust, intimacy and attraction. During sex, it can help to intensify intimacy and pleasure, and during a conversation it shows your partner that you are listening and care about what they have to say.

17. Increase subtle touches (hand on leg, lower back)

Physical touch releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. When you touch your partner in affectionate ways it can be a form of expressing love.

18. Playful teasing, light banter, or sexual innuendo

Flirting comes in many forms, one being flirty and suggestive banter. If you feel you’ve lost this element in your relationship, think back to how you had it previously. These interactions can create light-heartedness and playfulness around your sex life.

19. Sexting, pause before intimacy, or give a massage

Sexting creates the perfect environment for mental foreplay – you are talking about what you want to do with each other, but don’t have the access to act it out. Whether it’s a sexy photo of yourself or a flirty text message, surprise your partner with a cheeky message so they feel your attraction to them.

20. Cook dinner together

Make a night of cooking dinner with your partner. Put some music on, buy a nice bottle of wine and enjoy the process of making something with them.

In today’s increasingly sex-positive society, sex is finally being recognized as an essential aspect of overall well-being. The booming sexual wellness industry is a clear reflection of this shift!

This cultural change has empowered many people to break free from the stigmas and shame long associated with sexuality. While this progress has brought many benefits, it also introduces new challenges, particularly when it comes to defining and respecting sexual boundaries.

Navigating Sex-Positive Boundaries

Growing up in an environment filled with shame or anxiety around sex can shape a person’s sexual identity, including their sense of boundaries. In a more sexually liberated world, the absence of this self-awareness can sometimes lead to uncertainty about personal desires and limits.

Although some may not make the connection, I believe embracing sexual boundaries is key to harnessing the benefits of this sex-positive movement. Sexual liberation and boundaries go hand in hand. It’s not simply about having more sex; it’s about being empowered to make choices that align with your true sexual self.

The Pressure of Casual Hook Ups

Leftover remnants of the 2000s “dick-tease” culture, combined with today’s expectations around casual hookups, have created a confusing, and at times harmful, sexual environment for single people. This narrative often pressures individuals—especially women and those who were socialized as women—into engaging in sexual activities out of fear of being labelled a “prude” or a “tease.” It can feel intimidating to express a desire to take things slow or build a deeper connection first.

When I brought this topic up on my social media, I received an overwhelming response from people who admitted they feel pressured but are too embarrassed to voice their desire to ease into intimacy. It’s something that also frequently comes up in my sex therapy practice. It’s a common experience, yet we don’t talk about it enough.

Boundaries Lead to Better Sex

If you’ve ever felt pressured in the dating scene, consider this a reminder that setting boundaries is not only acceptable—it’s attractive.

Communicating your boundaries is fundamental to a healthy and fulfilling sex life. It helps future partners understand you on a deeper level, fostering stronger connections. Boundaries also allow you to fully engage in the exciting build-up that often happens early in a relationship—the subtle flirting, accidental touches, that first kiss at the end of a date—all the thrilling moments that many consider the best part of dating.

Plus, anticipation and foreplay can be incredible turn-ons, as they build desire. And the more desire you feel, the more likely your eventual sexual experiences will be truly satisfying.

How sex therapy can help

If you’re committed to changing your relationship with sexual boundaries but don’t know where to begin, sex therapy can be a great starting point! You could address what limiting beliefs you have that may be holding you back from noticing your boundaries or what stops you from asserting them, even when you know what they are! It can also look at what social and environmental factors might be getting in the way too. As these factors will be different for everyone, sex therapy takes a completely individualised approach!

To book in with a sex therapist and get started on asserting your boundaries, you can enquire here.

In short, the takeaway is: if you want to take your time, let them wait.

When a person repeatedly has sex with their partner despite not actually wanting it, feelings of disgust can emerge over time. As relationships are often a source of intimacy and pleasure, it can feel confusing when a person experiences disgust over sex with the person they love.

Violation of Bodily Autonomy

One of the primary reasons for feelings of disgust is the violation of body autonomy. Even in committed and consensual relationships, when sex happens out of obligation or pressure, it can feel like a betrayal of one’s own boundaries. Over time, these experiences accumulate, and the body begins to register sex as discomfort or even revulsion. This is not because the partner themselves is inherently undesirable, but because the act itself becomes associated with a loss of control or agency. Repeatedly pushing oneself to engage in sex without desire can make a person feel disconnected from their body and boundaries, leading to the sensation of disgust as a defence mechanism.

Emotional Disconnection

Sex is often considered an emotional and intimate act. However, when it occurs too frequently without mutual desire or connection, it can feel hollow and mechanical. This emotional disconnect can exacerbate feelings of dissatisfaction, and over time, disgust can set in as the act of sex becomes something a person endures rather than enjoys.

How Guilt and Resentment Plays a Role

Guilt often plays a significant role when people engage in sex they don’t truly want. Whether it’s due to societal expectations, pressure from a partner, or internalised beliefs about what it means to be a “good” partner, people may feel obligated to have sex even when they are not in the mood.

Trauma and Past Experiences

For some, past experiences of trauma can also trigger feelings of disgust in the context of unwanted sex. If someone has a history of sexual trauma or coercion, engaging in sex when they don’t want to may reawaken feelings of helplessness or violation. Even in a loving relationship, this can lead to a visceral reaction of disgust, as the person’s body and mind react defensively to avoid further harm.

The Importance of Communication

Communication is key to preventing these feelings from arising. In relationships, both partners need to feel comfortable expressing their desires—or lack thereof. When one partner consistently feels obligated to engage in sex, the power dynamic in the relationship can shift, leading to emotional distance and feelings of sexual disgust. Open, honest conversations about sexual boundaries and mutual satisfaction are crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship where both individuals feel respected and understood.

How Sex Therapy Can Help

It can feel confusing to know where to start with opening communication and understanding what you do desire. Sex therapy can help people reconnect with what brings them pleasure and learn more effective ways to communicate. It can also assist in reducing shame of not desiring sex and help couples approach sex in more flexible ways. To learn more about sex therapy and about booking in at Miano Clinical Sexology, enquire here.

Understanding the intricate relationship between shame and low desire can be an important factor for people looking to boost their libido.

What Is Shame?

Shame is more than just a feeling of guilt or embarrassment. It’s a deep sense of unworthiness or inadequacy, often internalised over time. Unlike guilt, which is about feeling bad for something we’ve done, shame is about feeling bad for who we are. It can be profoundly isolating, making us feel disconnected from ourselves and others. In the context of sexuality, shame can be instilled through cultural, religious, or family values, traumatic experiences, or societal messages about what is considered “normal” or acceptable when it comes to sex.

How Shame Develops Around Sexuality

Sex is often a taboo topic, and many people grow up with limited or negative information about their bodies, pleasure, and sexual relationships. Religious teachings that frame sex as sinful or dirty, family dynamics that discourage open conversations about sex, or societal pressures that promote unrealistic standards for sexual performance can all contribute to shame around sexual desire.

For many, early experiences of sexual exploration —whether solo or with partners—may have been met with criticism, judgment, or punishment, reinforcing a sense of shame around desire.

Similarly, negative body image, sexual trauma, or a history of sexual repression can all deepen feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness in sexual contexts.

The Connection Between Shame and Low Desire

When shame surrounds a person’s sexual identity, preferences, or desires, it can manifest as a dampening of sexual interest. Here are some ways shame contributes to low desire:

1. Fear of Judgment
Sexual shame creates an ongoing fear of being judged, leading people to suppress their sexual desires. If someone feels ashamed of their body, their sexual orientation, or their sexual preferences, they may be hesitant to express or explore those desires, fearing they might be ridiculed, rejected, or deemed immoral.

2. Body Dissatisfaction
Sexual shame can foster a negative relationship with one’s body, making it difficult to feel comfortable during sexual encounters. If someone feels ashamed of their physical appearance, they may avoid intimacy altogether, leading to a decrease in sexual desire.

3. Disconnection from Pleasure
Shame can create a disconnect between individuals and their capacity for pleasure. If someone has internalised messages that sex is “dirty” or “wrong,” they may struggle to embrace pleasure fully, leading to a decrease in sexual desire. The anticipation of guilt can even create anxiety around the idea of sex, further dampening libido.

4. Trauma and Repression
Sexual trauma is often intertwined with deep feelings of shame. Survivors of sexual abuse or assault may carry feelings of self-blame, disgust, or fear surrounding their own sexuality. As a protective mechanism, they may unconsciously repress their sexual desire to avoid triggering painful memories.

Overcoming Shame to Promote Desire

Addressing shame is critical to restoring a healthy sense of sexual desire. Here are some steps to begin this process:

1. Identifying The Origins
One of the first steps in overcoming shame is to identify its source. This often involves exploring the impact of childhood experiences, cultural messages, and past traumas that may have contributed to shame around sex. Therapy, especially sex-positive and trauma-informed approaches, can help individuals unpack these, often deeply rooted, feelings.

2. Reframing Sexuality as Positive
Shifting the narrative around sex from something shameful to something natural and pleasurable is key. This might involve reading sex-positive literature and reframing negative core beliefs about sex.

3. Body Acceptance
Developing a healthier relationship with one’s body is vital for overcoming shame. This can involve practices like mindfulness, pleasure mapping, bodywork, or therapy aimed at fostering self-compassion and body acceptance.

4. Communication with Partners
Open, honest conversations with partners about shame, desires, and fears can help break down emotional barriers. When both partners feel safe and supported, sexual desire is more likely to appear.

5. Seeking Professional Help
For many, professional guidance is essential in the journey toward healing from sexual shame. A sex therapist can provide a safe space to explore and process these feelings, offering tools and techniques to rebuild a healthy sexual identity.

Overcome shame, reclaim desire

Shame is a pervasive emotion that can quietly erode sexual desire over time. It creates barriers
to intimacy, self-expression, and the ability to experience pleasure. However, by identifying the roots of shame and actively working to dismantle its hold, people can reclaim their sexual desire and embrace a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with their sexuality.

Healing from sexual shame is not always a linear process, but with support and understanding, it is entirely possible to regain the desire that shame has suppressed.

To discuss sexual shame or low desire with a sex therapy at Miano Clinical Sexology, enquire here.

Common Sexual Concerns

Sex therapy can address a broad range of sexual concerns, including but not limited to:

1. Desire discrepancies: When partners within a relationship have differing levels of sexual desire, which can lead to tension.

2. Changes in sexual desire: When a person experiences a drop in their desire for partnered sex and masturbation, or they feel disconnected from their sexual selves.

3. Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation and Delayed Ejaculation: Challenges around getting or maintaining an erection, and maintaining control of ejaculation, linked to psychogenic and/or physiological origins.

4. Sexual Pain (dyspareunia): Including conditions such as vaginismus and vulvodynia, often both linked to physiological and psychological origins.

5. Sexual Trauma and Abuse: Individuals who have experienced sexual trauma can find it challenging to engage in sexual activities. Sex therapy provides a safe environment to build confidence and control.

6. Sexual identity: Exploring one’s sexual orientation or gender identity can be a complex journey. Sex therapy offers support and guidance in a non-judgmental space.

7. Compulsive Sexual Behaviour and porn use: Sometimes referred to as sex or porn addiction, compulsive sexual behaviour can interfere with daily life and relationships. Therapy focuses on understanding the behaviour and developing healthier coping mechanisms.

8. Anorgasmia and Delayed Ejaculation: Consistent challenges with having an orgasm, either situational or generalised to all sexual contexts.

Sex Therapy Goals

Sex therapy involves a variety of client-established goals, such as:

– Improve sexual functioning, such as boosting arousal or desire, and increasing satisfaction
– Addressing past sexual trauma or negative sexual experiences, and their impacts
– Resolve sexual conflicts within relationships, such as mismatched desire for sex
– Enhance intimacy and communication, to have more fulfilling sexual experiences and improve relationship satisfaction
– Overcome sexual and performance anxiety to improve overall satisfaction
– Explore and accept sexual identity and preferences

How a Sex Therapist Helps.

Sex therapy sessions are conducted with a licensed sex therapist who may have a background in psychology, counselling, social work, or medicine, and who is trained to deal with a wide range of sexual and relational issues.

Their approach is individualised to the couple or clients’ unique circumstance and needs, taking into account mental health, cultural, relational, and personal factors.

Therapeutic Approaches

Sex therapy sessions are typically conversational and can involve a range of therapeutic techniques. These may include:

– Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT): Helps clients identify and change negative thought
patterns that affect sexual behaviour.

– Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Focuses on accepting thoughts and feelings, rather than fighting, with the goal of making changes that align to their values.

– Mindfulness and Sensate Focus: Techniques that involve focusing on bodily sensations without pressure to perform, helping clients reconnect with their own and their partner’s bodies.

– Communication Skills Training: Helps individuals and couples articulate their needs and desires in a clear, respectful manner.

– Education: Providing information about human sexuality such as anatomy, sexual functioning, pleasure products, and sexual health, often dispelling myths, and misconceptions.

Common Misconceptions

One common misconception is that sex therapy is only for those with severe or unusual problems. In reality, many people seek sex therapy for everyday issues that are simply difficult to discuss elsewhere.

Another misconception is that sex therapy involves physical touch, which is not the case; sex therapy is a talk-based practice, utilising talk therapy that respects personal boundaries.

How to Start Sex Therapy

To find a sex therapist and start sex therapy, the first step is to enquire about a qualified sex therapist and scheduling an initial consultation. It’s important to find a therapist who you feel comfortable with and whose approach aligns with your needs. Some therapists offer a combination of in-person and virtual sessions, providing flexibility in how you access support.

Sex therapy is a valuable resource for anyone looking to improve their sexual health, understand their sexuality, or navigate the complexities of intimate relationships. It’s a
space for growth, exploration, and healing, guided by professionals who are passionate about helping people achieve a more fulfilling and authentic sexual life.

If you’re considering sex therapy, remember that seeking help is a positive and courageous step towards enhancing your overall well-being.

To enquire about sex therapy with Laura Miano at Miano Clinical Sexology, enquire here.